back at it

california was just what i needed. not even an hour into my trip my tire was going flat and i thought i would have to turn around and go back. i felt like i was in "the truman show". thankfully i had brought a can of coins for the air machine and was soon on my way.

i stayed in a hotel all by myself like a real adult in cedar city! i always wondered why some one would want a super big bed when its only them. who needs so much room? but you know what, it was very nice. options are nice. even though i still stayed comfortably on the one side.

Almost every goal was met: GO, then take time to think and pray and figure out where the heck im going, keep everything a surprise, stay in cedar city, take pictures on my way, visit a antique store, play with kristen, give my mom a hug, learn how to make crocheted flowers, take pictures of kristen, see dad, spend time with mark. it surprised me how much i needed that trip in more ways then i can express. "..thou art able to show forth great power, which looks small unto the understanding of men.." ether 3:5 it was good for me to listen again to my heart.

Part of my figuring things out meant figuring out how to move past the last few years of disappointment and heartache. there are two things i concluded are absolutely crutial for me to continue with faith and hope.

1. I am a beautiful, valued, lovable daughter of God who has much good to do. my thoughts and dreams are important.
2. god is a loving, kind god, who really knows me and loves me. he has a special plan for me that is full of happiness and joy and growth. there is purpose in my life and in the things that have happened....

sunday i went to stake conference with my family. pres holland spoke about forgiving ourselves and then forgiving others. what he said meant so much to me. i couldnt hold back my emotions. i wasnt even sure what i was thinking but i was feeling so much. i guess there are just lays of experiences, thoughts, and feelings that it's all kind of compacted. mostly i was feeling the burden of regret and guilt, recognizing how long its been since ive truly felt free and full of life. the same feeling you instantly get in the arms of your mom or when you walk into your home: the feeling you are loved, safe, and enough.

being home filled my heart with the importance of family. my family. as i walked away and got into my car alone, i felt an overwhelming gratitude for my parents and my siblings. of all the people i have loved in my life, they are the only ones who have never left me, no matter how hard things have been, how hopeless it may all feel. they never give up on me. they believe in the good things still to come in my life even when my heart is blinded by pain and i cant see it. it is the kind of love you can trust.

and now i am back. instantly i feel this anxiety rising just being here, being reminded of all the questions i have in my heart, and falling back into survival mode. i am grateful for my job, for the people i work with, my adorable students, for the all opportunities i have had to learn and grow. but i feel so antsy i can hardly take it.

OWN your happiness emily. it is YOURS to create...