daring to dream

i was so energized by what i heard and felt in church today. you know those days where you feel like someone must have known? today was one of those days.

Wonder
Open mind and heart
Reach in ward and upward
Trusting
Hold on to hope

really liked the acronym this girl made up for her talk.... she went more in depth into each one. after i talked to her and loved hearing her story. went to school, majored in communications (not the broadcasting side, but the relationship/communication side) went to hair school, went on a mission, now going to grad school in education. it was so awesome talking to her.

going to hair school? now that would be fun....

i am just so ready for an adventure, to do something that doesn't make sense. to listen to my heart, rediscover my passions and desires(and that they are probably different then when i was 21) and know and feel and believe that they are important. then go for it and heck with everything else.

rediscovering my passions and desires will take work and a little painful self analysis. it may not make sense to others. it may not make a whole lot of sense to me. but it will be freeing and hopeful and happy again. that is how i will know i am on the right track. when i look inside and trust myself and let go off all the fear of what others think, what will be left is a calming peace that i am in the right place. a place that isnt about being tough and enduring one hard thing to the next. but it will be about listening to my heart, making and taking opportunities, believing in my goodness as a daughter of God and the goodness of my life, faith in greater things to come, taking the adventure, reaching out and opening my heart, hoping in miracles that can be done, daring to dream big. it will be about me being who i should have always been, not for any other reason than because that is the way i am and the way God created me to be. for a reason. with all my crazy loves and passions and desires that has been squelched by fear and pain and disappointment and doubts. mostly its about learning who i am, not what i should be or need to be or have to be, but who i am....that i dont have to be anything or anyone else for anyone. it is about learning who i am and being ok with that, imperfections and all. :)

i think i have crossed over. two things i never thought i would be saying. first i really want a dog.


i mean really bad.

second i am hooked on the jane austen movies....especially this one....


what is this world coming to

me. red skirt and yellow boots. green grass. quiet morning. smell of rain. all the time to think. simple life. me.

back at it

california was just what i needed. not even an hour into my trip my tire was going flat and i thought i would have to turn around and go back. i felt like i was in "the truman show". thankfully i had brought a can of coins for the air machine and was soon on my way.

i stayed in a hotel all by myself like a real adult in cedar city! i always wondered why some one would want a super big bed when its only them. who needs so much room? but you know what, it was very nice. options are nice. even though i still stayed comfortably on the one side.

Almost every goal was met: GO, then take time to think and pray and figure out where the heck im going, keep everything a surprise, stay in cedar city, take pictures on my way, visit a antique store, play with kristen, give my mom a hug, learn how to make crocheted flowers, take pictures of kristen, see dad, spend time with mark. it surprised me how much i needed that trip in more ways then i can express. "..thou art able to show forth great power, which looks small unto the understanding of men.." ether 3:5 it was good for me to listen again to my heart.

Part of my figuring things out meant figuring out how to move past the last few years of disappointment and heartache. there are two things i concluded are absolutely crutial for me to continue with faith and hope.

1. I am a beautiful, valued, lovable daughter of God who has much good to do. my thoughts and dreams are important.
2. god is a loving, kind god, who really knows me and loves me. he has a special plan for me that is full of happiness and joy and growth. there is purpose in my life and in the things that have happened....

sunday i went to stake conference with my family. pres holland spoke about forgiving ourselves and then forgiving others. what he said meant so much to me. i couldnt hold back my emotions. i wasnt even sure what i was thinking but i was feeling so much. i guess there are just lays of experiences, thoughts, and feelings that it's all kind of compacted. mostly i was feeling the burden of regret and guilt, recognizing how long its been since ive truly felt free and full of life. the same feeling you instantly get in the arms of your mom or when you walk into your home: the feeling you are loved, safe, and enough.

being home filled my heart with the importance of family. my family. as i walked away and got into my car alone, i felt an overwhelming gratitude for my parents and my siblings. of all the people i have loved in my life, they are the only ones who have never left me, no matter how hard things have been, how hopeless it may all feel. they never give up on me. they believe in the good things still to come in my life even when my heart is blinded by pain and i cant see it. it is the kind of love you can trust.

and now i am back. instantly i feel this anxiety rising just being here, being reminded of all the questions i have in my heart, and falling back into survival mode. i am grateful for my job, for the people i work with, my adorable students, for the all opportunities i have had to learn and grow. but i feel so antsy i can hardly take it.

OWN your happiness emily. it is YOURS to create...

rearranging

rearrange the pieces in this old room
built up just to start again
making something new, i don’t recognize
me
anymore.

crashed to pieces the fragments
remaining
pick up what’s left
twisted you between the sheets of memories
try telling me once, ill tell you again

keep it locked
don’t bother to knock
here
cause I’m not your door mat
anymore, no not me anymore

you've kept me here, locked in
held with invisible bands
woven threads of grays and reds
like all the rest, just like all the rest

put back together, seams sewn between the lines
of you and me and all the rest
patches of broken hopes and broken hearts
mismatched memories

take what’s yours but leave what’s mine
but taking yours you take mine
you took it all, leaving all but
me and the shadows of you
in between the lines

 

what i love most

when i think about my mom i think of the word endurance. this woman knows what it means to press forward, to endure, and smile all the way through. i admire my mom the most for her quiet strength, her child like faith, her selfless nature, and how much she loves babies and children. i love how she was an interior designer. she is creative and an artist at heart. what i love most is her mother heart. she loves to nuture and help others without complaint. and she is funny and silly and the best part she doesnt even mean to. i love to hear her talk about dreams and hopes and plans. it lifts me a little bit higher and i feel a little more free and hopeful with the thought of her dreams and hopes coming true. i cant think of anyone else that deserves it more. Go get em' mom! You of anymore deserves all your hearts desire. Dare to dream and make your dreams your relatity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

dear faith,
where have you gone? i tried looking for you but you are not where you usually are. i do not understand this at all. i trusted you. i believed in you. you were my dearest, most loyal companion. where will i go when disappointment comes rearing his ugly face again?
your long lost friend,
em

dear disappointment,
oh how i dislike you so. i really wish you would just leave me alone. you know, i understand you must come around every now and then to remind me of the good and the sweet. Kind of like the sprinkles on a cupcake - (except you taste like black licorce and cough drops - its nothing personal). i get that. i really do. but really, seriously always? i wish you would just go away and leave me be and stop pushing hope and faith out of their way. they have a right to be there too you know?
....me

cards

first things first

slept in to an embarrassing hour. must be productive...

today's to dos
1. read scriptures
2. clean up the clothes thrown around my room
3. go to walmart
4. grade.. ugh (so horrible), start to write up articles for school newspaper that i have put off WAY too long
5. maybe do something fun later tonight

...oh yeah get ready somewhere in there too