"I'm Moving On"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

daring to dream

i was so energized by what i heard and felt in church today. you know those days where you feel like someone must have known? today was one of those days.

Wonder
Open mind and heart
Reach in ward and upward
Trusting
Hold on to hope

really liked the acronym this girl made up for her talk.... she went more in depth into each one. after i talked to her and loved hearing her story. went to school, majored in communications (not the broadcasting side, but the relationship/communication side) went to hair school, went on a mission, now going to grad school in education. it was so awesome talking to her.

going to hair school? now that would be fun....

i am just so ready for an adventure, to do something that doesn't make sense. to listen to my heart, rediscover my passions and desires(and that they are probably different then when i was 21) and know and feel and believe that they are important. then go for it and heck with everything else.

rediscovering my passions and desires will take work and a little painful self analysis. it may not make sense to others. it may not make a whole lot of sense to me. but it will be freeing and hopeful and happy again. that is how i will know i am on the right track. when i look inside and trust myself and let go off all the fear of what others think, what will be left is a calming peace that i am in the right place. a place that isnt about being tough and enduring one hard thing to the next. but it will be about listening to my heart, making and taking opportunities, believing in my goodness as a daughter of God and the goodness of my life, faith in greater things to come, taking the adventure, reaching out and opening my heart, hoping in miracles that can be done, daring to dream big. it will be about me being who i should have always been, not for any other reason than because that is the way i am and the way God created me to be. for a reason. with all my crazy loves and passions and desires that has been squelched by fear and pain and disappointment and doubts. mostly its about learning who i am, not what i should be or need to be or have to be, but who i am....that i dont have to be anything or anyone else for anyone. it is about learning who i am and being ok with that, imperfections and all. :)

i think i have crossed over. two things i never thought i would be saying. first i really want a dog.


i mean really bad.

second i am hooked on the jane austen movies....especially this one....


what is this world coming to

me. red skirt and yellow boots. green grass. quiet morning. smell of rain. all the time to think. simple life. me.

back at it

california was just what i needed. not even an hour into my trip my tire was going flat and i thought i would have to turn around and go back. i felt like i was in "the truman show". thankfully i had brought a can of coins for the air machine and was soon on my way.

i stayed in a hotel all by myself like a real adult in cedar city! i always wondered why some one would want a super big bed when its only them. who needs so much room? but you know what, it was very nice. options are nice. even though i still stayed comfortably on the one side.

Almost every goal was met: GO, then take time to think and pray and figure out where the heck im going, keep everything a surprise, stay in cedar city, take pictures on my way, visit a antique store, play with kristen, give my mom a hug, learn how to make crocheted flowers, take pictures of kristen, see dad, spend time with mark. it surprised me how much i needed that trip in more ways then i can express. "..thou art able to show forth great power, which looks small unto the understanding of men.." ether 3:5 it was good for me to listen again to my heart.

Part of my figuring things out meant figuring out how to move past the last few years of disappointment and heartache. there are two things i concluded are absolutely crutial for me to continue with faith and hope.

1. I am a beautiful, valued, lovable daughter of God who has much good to do. my thoughts and dreams are important.
2. god is a loving, kind god, who really knows me and loves me. he has a special plan for me that is full of happiness and joy and growth. there is purpose in my life and in the things that have happened....

sunday i went to stake conference with my family. pres holland spoke about forgiving ourselves and then forgiving others. what he said meant so much to me. i couldnt hold back my emotions. i wasnt even sure what i was thinking but i was feeling so much. i guess there are just lays of experiences, thoughts, and feelings that it's all kind of compacted. mostly i was feeling the burden of regret and guilt, recognizing how long its been since ive truly felt free and full of life. the same feeling you instantly get in the arms of your mom or when you walk into your home: the feeling you are loved, safe, and enough.

being home filled my heart with the importance of family. my family. as i walked away and got into my car alone, i felt an overwhelming gratitude for my parents and my siblings. of all the people i have loved in my life, they are the only ones who have never left me, no matter how hard things have been, how hopeless it may all feel. they never give up on me. they believe in the good things still to come in my life even when my heart is blinded by pain and i cant see it. it is the kind of love you can trust.

and now i am back. instantly i feel this anxiety rising just being here, being reminded of all the questions i have in my heart, and falling back into survival mode. i am grateful for my job, for the people i work with, my adorable students, for the all opportunities i have had to learn and grow. but i feel so antsy i can hardly take it.

OWN your happiness emily. it is YOURS to create...